Rendering by thisisbossi.
This article was posted as an April Fool’s joke.
Purple Line gets first sponsor: Maryland has a transportation funding bill, but to help get the Purple Line moving, MDOT has signed a deal with Six Flags Corporation to sponsor the Purple Line. The new roller coaster design will include a loop-the-loop at Columbia Country Club and feature significantly higher speeds, reducing travel time.
New tax plan for Virginia: Governor Bob McDonnell proposes eliminating the state sales tax. He would make up the revenue by a 50% tax on hybrid or electric cars, organic produce, reusable grocery bags, and bicycle inner tube replacements. Observers now consider him a shoo-in for the 2016 GOP Presidential primary.
Congestion solved: The Texas Transportation Institute found that lost jobs from sequestration improved congestion. “Therefore, the logical policy for transportation must be further job loss,” said Tim Lomax. Plus, Stockton, “foreclosure capital of the world,” has the nation’s lowest congestion, making it a clear model to emulate.
Where’s the birth certificate?: Donald Trump is offering a reward for anyone who can prove DC Councilmember McDuffie isn’t a “native Washingtonian.” Stronghold resident McDuffie owns the house he was raised in and says he was born here, but no incontrovertible proof was immediately available after a 5-minute Google search.
Metro becoming more self-service: As part of its efforts to create a more “self-service” system in the Momentum plan, Metro will replaces all escalators with stairs and convert trains and buses to a Flintstone’s-style power system.
Examiner will keep going: The Washington Examiner has reversed course and will continue its current publishing format. “Once we saw how upset our editorial style made David Alpert, we figured we were doing our job and had to continue,” said editor Stefan Schmitt. The paper will, however, still fire Kytja Weir and Liz Essley, as both sometimes had positive things to say about transit.
Cheh apologizes: After weeks of speculation and inquiries from the local press, Mary Cheh relented and issued a letter of apology for her completely legal campaign fundraising activities. “DC residents have come to expect so much more of their elected officials,” said DC voter Amy Zoneger.