Photo by Márcio Cabral de Moura on Flickr.

These links were posted as an April Fool’s joke.

Make the bikeway great again: Rubber parking stops on Pennsylvania Avenue still don’t do enough to stop U-turns, so DDOT plans to build 3-foot-high walls around the protected bikeway. Said DDOT’s Sam Zimbabwe, “I will make Virginia pay for that wall. Mark my words.”

Count on this crossing: VDOT’s newest pedestrian countdown timers have room for four-digit numbers. Engineers say wait times exceeding 1,000 seconds will be necessary to let traffic move more smoothly along Route 7 and Route 123.

Revitalizing the waterfront: A yacht maker plans to build luxury houseboats and floating amenities like coffee shops (and maybe even a Trader Joe’s) along the Southwest Waterfront. Affordable boating advocates are concerned about creeping admiralization.

Safety first for highways: After 2015 saw over 2,000 more fatal motor vehicle crashes than 2014, US Secretary of Transportation Anthony Foxx has decided to shut down the entire interstate system until inspectors can verify that each individual driver is safe.

Sensible once more: Arlingtonians for Sensible Transit has regrouped to oppose the Rosslyn-Georgetown gondola, saying that the same benefit could be achieved at a much lower cost by constructing a zipline.

The physics of the streetcar: Some claim that it’s faster to walk than to take the DC streetcar, but one local physicist has shown that it’s even faster to walk around the inside of an empty but moving streetcar, thanks to Einstein’s theory of relativity.

The scoop on ice cream crashes: DC police are urging all ice cream shops located near streets to add reflective paint to their facades after yet another car crash. Police say the ice cream shop was not in the crosswalk in a recent high-profile crash, making it hard for the driver to see. Lickable Streets advocates have long argued that using gelato instead of ice cream cuts down on crashes by 50%.

Metro totally back on track: Following one problem-free commute this morning, WMATA General Manager Paul Wiedefeld announced that the rail system has been completely fixed. Riders will no longer have to deal with single-tracking, train offloading, or smoke in stations.

And…: Residents are outraged after discovering NoMa is just a giant Potemkin village. … Skateboard modeshare ramped up to 10% after the debut of a Safe Routes to Skool program. … The traffic jam at VA-267 and I-66 is now an Arlington Historic Place. … George Mason’s law school will rename itself for Antonin Scalia. (Really.) (Post)