Photo by Sonny Abesamis on Flickr.

This article was posted as an April Fool’s joke.

Never gonna let you down: WMATA has finally selected a new general manager, handpicked by MDOT chief Pete Rahn and Mayor Muriel Bowser from the cube farm at Spirit Airlines. The young, inexpensive hire has vowed to turn around WMATA’s finances, starting with a bag fee for rush hour commuters.

You know the rules and so do I: In an effort to shore up WMATA’s finances, the WMATA board has voted to replace all of its train operators with accountants. The agency also announced that, because of the change, all system maps will be replaced with spreadsheets.

Never gonna tell a lie: UPS announced that it will cease delivering packages. The company said that it will now focus on its core business, illegal parking. When asked how they will continue making money with a focus on parking, a spokesman said, “Volume!”

Never gonna say goodbye: Residents seek a wilderness designation for the Takoma Metro parking lot to save the lot’s native cars from the threat of residential development. Advocates claim that an endangered species of invisible Hays Springs Amphipod have also taken up residence in the lot.

Never gonna hurt you: As part of Mayor Bowser’s Vision Zero plans, the DC Council will ban bananas and restrict all vehicle use to vehicles with 50cc engines within the District.

We’ve known each other so long: Residents and business owners on H Street are recounting tales of a strange sight, a ghost trolley that carries no passengers but glides along the street night after night. Residents claim that its bells seem to hang in the air for years, and the unlucky souls who stumble onto it from bars now ride it forever.

Never gonna run around: Montgomery County is providing space for protesters in a far corner of a mostly empty parking lot in Bethesda. Officials are working with the local police to provide a space for protests without disrupting residents’ lives.

Never gonna desert you: Prince George’s Council has voted to rename the West Hyattsville Metro station to “Prince George’s Gateway.” The Council feels that the name will help spur development by better evoking a sense of place for the area.

Never gonna make you cry: The National Capital Planning Commission investigated whether it is humanly possible to build to fifteen stories. The NCPC explored issues such as ladder height, whether the building would block out the sun, and if the air is too thin.

And…: The Commission of Fine Arts provides feedback. … Study finds that studies don’t change attitudes about development. … DC is about to do that thing that New York already did only better.