This article was posted as an April Fool's joke.
The District is on board with bus lanes: A proposal to remove parking and install bus-only lanes and protected bikeways across the city has sailed through ANC hearings, and the DC Council agreed to take up the measure next week. Commissioners and councilmembers alike expressed enthusiasm for making urgent and radical changes to reduce car-dependency in the face of global warming. (Martin DiTraino/Bloomberg)
BW Parkway may partially close following “BACK2GOOD” pothole repair: Officials announced that the initiative to repair potholes on the Baltimore-Washington Parkway, based on Metro's “BACK2GOOD” program, has been a success. Drivers have been “single tracking” through the area for the past six months as construction crews repaired each side. Since then, fewer people have been using the road, and a new study recommends permanently closing down one side of the highway. (Max Smetro/WTOP)
Hogan isn't proposing new highways after all: After realizing he was referencing old maps, Maryland Governor Larry Hogan has decided to nix his highway proposals for the Beltway and I-270. “Turns out, we already have highways connecting Frederick to Montgomery County, and DC to Baltimore,” Hogan said at a press conference. “Also, did you know that widening highways actually makes traffic worse?” (Martin Scootermuhle/WAMU)
Dan Brown is opposed to the Masonic Temple development: Affordable housing slated to be built behind the Masonic Temple in Dupont Circle has an unexpected opponent: Best-selling author Dan Brown. Brown says, “The basement apartments are all a charade to prevent God's Light from revealing a 2,000-year-old Freemason conspiracy!” Reached for comment, 101-year-old neighbor Catherine Campbell sighed, “I do declare!… Most people don’t want it, but that’s change. Change is part of the deal.” (Morgan Bikesin/City Paper)
Jack Evans takes a remedial driving course: DC Councilmember Jack Evans, notorious for parking wherever he wants (among other abuses of power), took a remedial driving course last week in order to remember how to park legally. He also learned not to intentionally stand in the middle of bicycle lanes. (Natalie Del2goodlio/DCist)
Unrest in Reston: A community meeting in Reston erupted into chaos after an attendee overheard that 37-year-old events planner Janice Crowley is newly pregnant with twins. Under the planned community's strictly-observed zoning laws, which were handed down from the heavens to its esteemed founder (and heir to the guy who dared to defile the hallowed Carnegie Hall with pedestrian commerce) Robert E. Simon, only one additional child is allowed in the acre where the Crowleys are resident. Deliberations on whom to exile from the acre were due to be resolved this Sunday at dawn at the Gallows Road Dueling Grounds. (RestonNow)
The Purple Line will be rebranded as the Mauve Line: Maryland has announced plans to rebrand the Purple Line as the Mauve Line in hopes of allying opposition and incessant lawsuits from local shrimp enthusiasts. (Luz Lazoning/Post)