This article was posted as an April Fool’s joke.
Musical lanes: As bikes begin to outnumber cars in DC, DDOT will begin phasing in a citywide lane switch Monday. Bikes will now get the main lanes and cars must stay within former bike lanes. Lane repainting will start before the end of April, with small car symbols replacing the cycle symbols currently found on bike lanes. DDOT reminds drivers that they must stay off sidewalks in the central business district and that they must not coast through stop signs and red lights. (Jaime)
Show some res-BRT-t: In opposition to the proposed Purple Line running on public land separating their property, the Columbia Country Club has banned the use of word “train” by staff. New workers will now be “BRT-ed” how to do their jobs. Kitchen staff will also have to make soup using a “s-BRT-er”. (Dave Murphy)
Truly 10 miles square: Arlington and Alexandria have announced plans to retrocede bact to the District after over 160 years of struggling with the pesky chains of Congressional representation. One of the government officials in charge of drafting the retrocession legislation stated, “We’ll gladly trade no representation in Congress for not having Richmond constantly muck with us,” said Arlington County Board Chair Barbara Granola. “Also, you’re about to lose your gun rights anyway.” (Michael, Jaime)
Auditory NextBus launches: Surprising many observers, WMATA announced an immediately available pilot program for real-time bus location information on all lines. Drivers will be encouraged to “just yell really loud,” management says, like, “THIS IS THE 93 SOUTHBOUND, I’M AT THE CORNER OF 11TH and U!” (Michael)
Paris on the Anacostia: The Potomac and Anacostia Rivers will trade names, in an effort to spur development in the eastern parts of the city. Metro will begin publishing new maps showing the Potomac station on the Green Line immediately. “Also, now Potomac Avenue will actually be near the Potomac,” pointed out DDOT spokesperson Karyn LeNoir. Residents of tony Anacostia, Maryland, just west of Bethesda, are divided on their new name. (Steve Offutt)